Living Beyond Clichés: What Does It Mean to "Find Yourself?"
What does it mean to “find yourself?” The familiar mantra appears to inspire authenticity, but I’m left wondering: is my true self buried somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind? If so, how do I go about uncovering her? Do I have the equipment necessary to embark on such a nebulous expedition? How will I know when I’ve found myself? It’s all a bit “woo.” And I don’t do well with woo.
If you can relate, you’re not alone. Identity scholars have been puzzling over this conundrum for quite some time, and most fall into three camps. Camp A: identity is discovered. Camp B: identity is constructed. Camp C: identity is both discovered and constructed. Since I like to have my cake and eat it too (especially if I’m being forced to camp), I tend to opt for Camp C. Camp Cake, if you will.
The Framework
Here at Camp Cake, we theorize that many of our identities are initially conferred. For instance, we are assigned a sex at birth, and we inherit a racial and religious (or non-religious) identity. While some of these identities are fixed (race, for instance), others may change over time. We may shed our religious identity, gain a disability, or discover that our assigned sex at birth does not align with our gender.
Within this framework, the notion of digging up our true self seems a bit nonsensical. We are ever-evolving. We are constantly becoming. We are, at any given time, ourselves. As such, we don’t need to feel pressure to label ourselves. We don’t need to feel bad about changing our beliefs and adjusting our values when we receive new information. We’re not a fraud. We’re not a hypocrite. We’re growing.
The Story
One approach that can help us make sense of ourselves is narrative identity. Scholar Dan McAdams first pioneered the concept in the mid-eighties, and the theory has since gained strong empirical support. McAdams postulated that if one could “see” an identity, it would look like a story—a story with an evolving plotline set within a specific milieu.
It’s important to recognize that folks aren’t given a blank slate on which to record their story. As I’ve mentioned, we are assigned certain identities and face particular narrative restraints from birth. Nevertheless, by conceptualizing ourselves as both an actor and author of our life’s story, we can begin to make sense of who we really are and our own role in our identity development.
“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”
The Soundtrack
By reviewing previous chapters of our life, we can begin to get a better sense of who we have been, who we are, and who we might become. In this sense, “finding ourselves” requires us to become creative biographers.
If writing your life’s story seems a bit daunting, I’d like to suggest a related exercise that may help you feel a bit more grounded in your identity. Create the soundtrack of your life by picking at least one defining song for each psychosocial stage: infancy, early childhood, preschool, school age, adolescence, early adulthood, adulthood, and old age.
Feel free to interview family members to get a better understanding of yourself during those early developmental periods. I also recommend choosing songs for developmental periods you haven’t yet reached: songs that speak to your possible identities. Research suggests that this kind of self-imagining may improve how we feel about our current self and give us hope for the future.
So, fellow searchers. I hope you are inspired to lay down your shovel and pick up your pen (or your Spotify app). Screenshot your soundtrack and share using the hashtag #MyLifeSoundtack. Who knows? You may find someone like you.
Dr. Annie Snow is a researcher and an LGBTQ+ affirming counselor in private practice. She helps folks feel confident in their identity and relationships.