Living Beyond Clichés: What Does It Mean to “Always Be Yourself?”
I’m generally not a fan of self-help mantras. There’s a reason why my counseling office is devoid of platitudes and pithy slogans. If I were to display a classic quote, it would probably be something like, “I cried when I was born and every day shows why.”
This is what happens when emo kids grow up to be therapists.
It’s not that I’m opposed to positive messages, and I’m not trying to promote some nihilist therapy model that involves staring into the void to alleviate stress (don’t try it; it doesn’t help). It’s just that I don’t know what statements like “always be yourself” are supposed to mean.
Of course, that’s the trouble with many clichés: they’re too trite to communicate any profound meaning, but they imply just enough to be dangerous. So, over the next few weeks, I’m going to tackle some well-known mottos that often distort our idea of what it means to live authentically, and then I’ll try to provide a couple of helpful addenda.
We begin the series with the classic imperative to “always be yourself.”
Now, on the surface, “always be yourself” seems like harmless advice. There’s a reason why we call it a truism: it’s uncontested and rather unoriginal. So, what makes “always be yourself” more of a trueisn’t than a truism?
Well, one issue with this blanket statement is that it allows little room for non-disclosure. This is a problem because it not always safe or necessary to reveal salient parts of your identity with everyone you meet.
Consider the gay teenager who is not yet out to their homophobic peers, an abuse survivor on a first date, or a sex worker applying to college. The pressure to “always be yourself” may compel these folks to prematurely discuss parts of their identity with people who may not have earned the right.
Unfortunately, many queer folks feel guilty or “fraudulent” because they’ve not yet come out. But it is neither fair nor accurate to suggest that LGBTQ+ individuals are hiding their true selves in a closet. Hetero/cis-normativity builds walls around non-conforming folks, and it requires Herculean levels of strength to break through oppressive assumptions. The courageous people facing these barriers should get to decide when to tear them down.
That’s one of the reasons why “always be yourself” requires the following addendum:
Determine the who, what, when, and where of self-disclosure.
This is a concept that all folks can explore for themselves. I recommend creating a list of the qualities that make you “you.” Your values. Your beliefs. Your culture. Your national origin. Your race and ethnicity. Your skills and abilities. Your interests. Your loves. Your quirks. Your roles. Your age. Your social class. Your gender identity. Your gender presentation. Your sexual orientation. Your physical attributes.
From this list, create a map.
The outer ring of your map should include identity markers that will be obvious to most people who come into contact with you (e.g., your gender presentation and a few physical attributes). The inner rings of your map will be less apparent: identity landmarks that become increasingly precious the closer you get to the center. These are the parts of yourself that may require VIP access.
Next, create a “pin” for each significant person in your life, and drop it where you want them to have access. Try to identity at least one person for each ring or identity marker, depending on your approach to self-cartography.
Consider your relationship with each person and the degree to which you can trust them to treasure various parts of your identity. Remember that relationships evolve, trust fluctuates, and occasionally, you will need to adjust the pins on your map.
It’s also critical to distinguish between people who cause you discomfort and people who pose a real danger to your wellbeing.
Some individuals may not respond with enthusiasm to particular facets of your identity, which isn’t necessarily a reason to exclude them (consider, for instance, a person revealing their atheist beliefs to their Christian parents). However, others may respond to your disclosure with abuse. You don’t deserve that from anyone, and you can trust yourself to gauge the risks involved and make the best choices for you.
It’s also helpful to recognize that the landmarks comprising your identity map may change over time (but more on that in the upcoming weeks!).
Last but not least, I recommend including yourself in the center of the map. It may seem superfluous, but I think it represents one of the most critical addenda, which is:
Be honest and compassionate with yourself about who you are.
It may not be possible to always be yourself with everyone you meet, but you can try to always be yourself with yourself. By completing the above exercise, you’ve already taken some important steps.
Identifying multiple components of your identity and trusting yourself to construct and maintain boundaries is an ongoing process that, after time, may help you feel more grounded in who you really are. Similarly, making decisions based on your values and beliefs can ensure that you are living authentically, even when it’s not safe to reveal core parts of your identity.
One last point. For some, the identities they boldly and beautifully wear on their sleeves are mocked, invalidated, pathologized, and punished. If we want people to be free to be themselves, we need to advocate for change.
Traditionally, therapeutic interventions have focused on individual growth rather than societal transformation. As a counselor, I’ve found that approach to be rather myopic. Self-affirmations may only get you so far if your basic rights and physical safety are constantly in peril.
“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.”
So much of our emotional distress can be linked to our social environments, and by engaging in political activism, we can help others as well as ourselves.
That leads me to our final addendum:
Help create a society where marginalized folks are free to be themselves.
Combating racism, sexism, ableism, fatphobia, sanism, homophobia, and transphobia are central to ensuring that folks are safe to be themselves. And as Audre Lorde suggests, so long as certain individuals are unfree, none of us can be truly free to be ourselves in the way that equality demands.
So do something.
Support organizations like the NAACP, the ACLU, Lambda Legal, and Trans Lifeline.
Volunteer your time as a crisis counselor for The Trevor Project.
Donate to the Black Trans HRT Fund sponsored by Plume and #YouAreEssential.
Follow and promote the work of BIPOC, LGBTQ+, and disabled folks.
Contact your elected officials.
Vote.
Confront your own biases and educate yourself about identities you don’t understand (Beyond the Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon is a great place to start!)
If you witness someone being bullied or harassed for who they are, let them know that you care. Together, we can move beyond clichés and create real opportunities for authentic living.
Dr. Annie Snow (she/her) provides online counseling services for LGBTQ+ folks living in Oregon.